This week has been filled with lots of tears and emotions and two of the hardest conversations I have ever had in my life. To put it bluntly my Grandma is dying. She does not have a terminal diagnosis, just no will to live. Thursday I went with my mom to visit with my grandma and to talk with the Dr about THE decision. To continue medicating her or to keep her comfortable and let her go.
There were 9 of us in on the conversation, my mom & her five brothers and sister, a sister-in-law & myself. It was decided that we would ask grandma what she wanted even though she had expressed numerous times that she just wanted to die. My mom, my aunt & I were somehow unofficially delegated to be the ones to ask her. Everyone else went outside to vent and probably to avoiding being a part of that conversation.
There were tears, lots of them. Questions were asked, answers were given, but they just added to the confusion. The last thing she said about it was "I'm not ready to go until God is ready for me and he is not ready for me." Last night she begged my mom to just take her home. But going home means making the decision to let her go. It means dying. Things are still up in the air, with no real solid decision made, just to wait a few days and see.
The second conversation happened yesterday. I had to tell the boys something. I tried as gently as I could to explain what was going on. There were more tears, lots more. Elijah took it really hard. He sat in my lap and sobbed for several minutes. Seth was very concerned with what would happen to her house and all of her things inside it. I think the way his brain works keeps him from really understanding the emotion involved with it. Perhaps it is better that way. It sort of protects him.
I don't mean to be depressing. I just needed to share, to vent, to release some of that emotion I am trying desperately to keep inside of me. As a clinician this is something I must do. As a human living my emotions is something I must do. I find I am struggling with that.